Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Love Finds You

I went looking for a song by 4Him on itunes and only found this title there which inspired this post. Love is finding me. God is amazing.

I have been struggling lately. God revealed that I have unresolved un-forgiveness and bitterness but then He led me to realize that His kids do not sin for no reason. He said he came to heal the brokenhearted (Is 61), and he means that we do not sin for no reason. We sin out of a broken heart.

I realize this so much with regards to my dad who has a broken heart. He just doesn't understand himself. He suffers from lack of repentance - he doesn't see his relentless pride and bitterness, and if he could separate from these, he could have the refreshing of physical healing. If he could separate from these it could end the depression that makes him gluttonous as a way to medicate against depression.

But he will not, and no one can seem to lead him to this reality. I suffer from a lack of mercy towards him. I see his pride and bitterness and want to watch him suffer for his sins, and am praying to have my heart break or soften towards him.

In this process some interesting things are happening. I've been hanging out at places like "Stuff Christians Like" where Jon Acuff airs out some of his pet peeves about things in the Christian sphere. He does it in a jovial, joking way, but there is a lot of cynicism out there and the people who come to comment have a strong share of disappointments regarding the church. I have my own disappointments. In going there and commenting, I get caught up in the cynicism and realize that we're a bunch of hurting people. Where do we go to find healing?

Yes, I realized suddenly that I was truly hurting. Again, Jesus showed me that I was being sarcastic because I was hurting, like so many others, and so I asked, "where do I go to end the hurt?"

At work we can sometimes put on the music of our choice, and when I put on a Christian music station I noticed that the Christian artists were actually trying to bring healing through their music. You can just hear it in the music. And because of it, you can just feel Jesus. At least, I was feeling Jesus last night at work. Love was finding me. The power of the Holy Spirit was reaching me and trying to heal my hurt. 4Him was singing a new song which I can't find on YouTube that was just touching me. I think it was 4Him. The lyrics sound like "The One True God."

He never fails. Love never fails. Love will always find you. Don't run away. Let Him embrace you and love you today.

I was thinking last night "healing is moving in and so is a hunger for God again."


Helen said...

I'm sorry you are hurting. I'm also sorry for your dad. Growing old is hard, and it is harder still if you can't look back and come to terms with the hurt you've caused (none of us are perfect, we all cause hurt sometimes) and heal a relationship. He is probably afraid that when he opens that door, he will find out more than he can handle, and he won't be forgiven.
I certainly don't want to be self righteous at this point and say forgive him anyway. God knows I can hold on to a grudge for a long time. Without going into details, I can see that my grudges have hurt me, too. I recently forgave someone who hurt me a long time ago (actually she hurt my mom, not me, and my mom forgave almost immediately). I did not make any forgiveness announcements, I just sent her a small, cheap Christmas ornament that made me think of her. She called me to thank me and she was weeping. I don't think it was the ornament. I think she sensed that she was forgiven. Had she asked for forgiveness, I would have offered it ages ago. But she didn't, and I hung on to a grudge for years that she could have brought an end to with an apology. I forgave her without the apology because God gave me the grace to do so (really, I wasn't planning on it, it just happened). I hope it happens for you.

Gabrielle Eden said...

Thanks Helen for taking the time to write that, about forgiving someone. I do believe that God is doing something and that the forgiveness I want to have in my heart will come somehow, someday. This has been so weird - my heart has seemed immovable - just hard, you know? And I know what you mean about my dad - how hard it must be for him to deal with the past. I just pray for him and read the word to him hoping it will bring him healing. He is so hard hearted it gets discouraging. But I still hope for him.

Sherri said...

I will be praying for this situation and for your Dad.

I know your needs will be met, and your concerns addressed.

Gabrielle Eden said...

Thanks Sherri - thanks for your prayers. Thanks in general for the cyber prayers, which have been powerful. I do know that God will meet me. I just worry about my dad. He never seems to get anywhere. Only progress has been that as I have been reading the gospel to him he has asked for healing, that he has paused to reflect on Jesus' amazing power, and has said how he wishes he could have been there when Jesus was healing people.

But I still hope for him and God will answer.